Little johnny is sitting on a bench, eating a massive bag of candy.

An old lady comes up to johnny "are you really going to eat all that?" The lady asks, shocked by the size of the bag. "My grandpa did exactly what I am doing now, every day, and he lived to be 104!"

"What, by eating all that candy?" The old lady asks.

"No, by minding his own fucking business" Johnny replies.

Can't get any cuter

Victor Vasarely • 1973

When an orphan takes a selfie, it’s actually a family photo.

Pickles are actually just salt and vinegar flavored cucumbers

Things aren't on fire, fire is on things

If a sloth clapped, it would always sound sarcastic

Texts to an ex need two-factor authentication.

Deleting your social media is one of the easiest ways to make people forget you exist.

When Shrek entered the castle to save Fiona, he found armor that fit him perfectly. And since no human is the same size as an ogre, there has been at least one other ogre that tried to save Fiona

Trippy art almost never looks even remotely like something you'd see while tripping

While there’s just one richest person in the world, there must be a huge tie for the poorest one

The difference between confidence and arrogance is that confidence includes some element of reality.

You can earn an honest buck. You can’t earn an honest billion.

Your eyes have blinked different amounts of times, and you will never ever be able to get them the same with absolute certainty again

Road rage would probably decrease if car manufacturers made their horns sound hilarious.

A joke I came up with that I told people in a dream this morning...

A ship belonging to a seafood company from Italy accidentally drops tons upon tons of live lobsters overboard off the coast of Maine. Upon hearing this news, a lobster-catcher from Maine down on his luck jumps on his boat to catch as many of the lobsters as he can and sell them before the Italian company can get them back.

As he doesn't know quite where the lobsters had fallen into the water, he casts his net out and tries to capture as many lobsters as he can. After a number of hours, he only catches manages to catch about a dozen lobsters. Frustrated and out of patience, the lobster-catcher cuts his losses and sails back to shore when suddenly he hears from his lobster cage a voice that says, "Sir! Please don't kill us! My pals and I have done nothing to you!"

Though shocked and confused, the lobster-catcher simply states he has been trying to catch lobster for hours. "I was trying to catch those lobsters from that Italian ship. I was told there were thousands of them, but you're all I got!"

"Sir!" cries the talking lobster, "I know exactly where those lobsters are! I'll take you to them and trick them into getting into your net! Just let me and my pals go!"

The lobster-catcher thinks for a moment and agrees. After following the lobster's directions to the destination, he ties the lobster to a string then throws the lobster in the water and waits. About 20 minutes later, the the talking lobster comes back to the boat to the lobster-catcher.

"They're not getting in the net, they won't listen. They just yelled at me," the lobster tells the lobster-catcher.

"What did they say?" asks the lobster-catcher.

The lobster says, "How should I know? I don't speak Italian!"

They proud of him